Shower floors are like beds...

I contemplated quite a bit on this post because, A. I like to keep this stuff to myself more often than not and, B. it was a miserable couple weeks for me and everyone around me...  but I decided to post it for the sake of understanding and possibly more of a therapy session for myself.

So, after we returned home from the cabin I woke at 3:00 am to a ruptured eardrum.  What a lovely feeling to have your eardrum ringing, equilibrium off balance, and can only hear out of one side... Which, turned into a day at the doctor's office and a hundred dollars in medications. Now that was just the calm before the storm-it gets better. With that loveliness came a cold/flu, and in turn a Lupus flare.  I didn't feel well and then my toes began to turn purple and itch, which I've discovered to be the sign for a soon to come flare. -It's the little things really- When this happens, I usually try to prepare myself as well as I can mentally, but this one was like hell came to visit.  And when I say hell, I mean scary movie 3 masked dude in a black robe and carrying some metal like weapon to use on me if I disagree or disobey his request to go.  It was ugly and I will admit, so was I... amazing what makeup does for a person.  I'd take me away too.

So, this all occurred beginning on New Year's Eve, and Mike had to work and couldn't stay home with me due to the holiday. Damn Police and their rules.  I had Hannah and was afraid of what may possibly happen to me.  I was also afraid if something were to happen, I didn't want to scare Hannah, nor was I ready to teach her the ways of the cell phone and dialing just yet.  So, I decided to stay with my parents.  Thank the heavens I did... they're a wonderful help and I was incoherent.  (thank you mom and dad for everything you did for me)

I'll be honest, I don't remember a lot. Red flag. For some reason when I have a flare up like these, which take such a toll on me mentally and physically, I tend to forget a lot of what occurred. Red Flag. This scares me. I hate not being in control. I remember throwing up... a lot. Red flag. I remember waking up after sleeping for who knows how long...  I remember not being able to move my body. Red flag. You know, Lupus is an interesting monster.  You really never know what you're gonna get.  This "episode" as I like to call them, I had experienced something I hadn't in the past... immobility. Red flag. I couldn't move my legs, and at times my hands. Red flag. If I were to stand, it wasn't longer than 30 seconds or so. Red flag. It was almost like lead was pulling my legs to the floor and the pain was so intense I wanted to collapse, cry, and times I think I did both. Red flag. I will just say the few times I showered in the beginning was an incredible task and extremely frustrating.  I also couldn't eat.  If I ate, I threw it up. Red flag. I lost about 15 lbs. over the course of 2 weeks and I really didn't have 15 extra lbs. to lose.  So, now more than ever do I have people speculate on whether I have a drug addiction, an anorexia or bulimia problem. What a joy I tell you...   That in itself makes for a happy dance. And that's a whole lot of red flags... where is the white one when I need it!?

So, after staying at my parents for who knows how long (I know it was days, but I can't tell you how many...), Mike took me home to rest.  There is something about being home, in your own bed and being there with the person you love that makes it that much better. Thank you for taking care of me my love. However, I think I scared Mike at times with my racist body (my body hates itself, therefore it's racist...against me). I'm sorry if I did.  After being home for who knows how long, I couldn't lay in bed anymore.  My body ached and I'm surprised I didn't have bed sores (too much info, sorry).  The random places I tried and succeeded to sleep included; Hannah's floor, the hallway where the sunlight shown through the windows, our bathroom floor near the toilet of course, in the tub, and in our 4 x 4 shower... now, let me just tell you that using your towel as a pillow and wearing your soft robe while curled up on the shower floor where it was still steamy had to be one of the best sleeps I had that week.  It was a rough couple weeks to say the least. Ugly just keeps getting better!
 
There has got to be some highlights to this disastrous time, right!?  Well, I guess not so much highlights per say, but just a few small miracles that have reminded me why I keep fighting back and moving forward. It's amazing the power of love and support of those that you love and those that love you, and how they will do anything when you're at your lowest, and still love you at that point too.  I have to say that I truly love my family and my friends.  Mom, dad, Mike, Hannah, Kris, Brooke, Krissy, Barbie, Brenda... you are all so wonderful and I love you all with every ounce of me.  Thank you for taking time out of your lives to help me fight a monster and get back to mine.  

One of the most important things I remember and still makes me cry when I think about it is when I'd wake up from time to time and my little Nana would be right there with a rag, or a sprite and crackers, at times an extra blanket ready to put on me, or just holding my hand to help me to the bathroom. I didn't want her to worry about me and I tried to make it so she wouldn't think negative about any of it, but what can I do when I'm in that state?! But, she is a trooper and knows it's just moments and we'll get back to good days quick. The strength, love, support, and amazing caring heart that Hannah possesses never seizes to amaze me.  For being only five, she keeps me believing in better days.  

Thank you Lupus for helping me remember what life, love and hope is truly about...